When Knitting Was a Manly Art

Contemplating one’s navel as an aid to meditation.

Lot’s of good comments on my last post. A lot hit the mark. Being alone is relative. Knitting *is* important. Life *does* go on.

Started again on the Big Black Sock this morning. Just a couple rounds of straight stitch, but it’s something.

Managed to get myself selected for jury duty for the next two days in a civil suit here in Washington County. Kind of boring. No knives, guns or knitting needles.

I’m going to try to get involved with some local knitting groups. I’ve joined up again with meetup.com and the local Portland meetup. There’s a chance I’ll join in on the one coming up this next month. It’s fairly easy to get to in SE Portland and it would be fun to be back among a bunch of knitters (even if they will all probably be female — wait that’s good).

Eileen is scheduled for knee surgery this coming Tuesday. General anesthesia. Worthless for at least the first 4 days. Her weekend boyfriend doesn’t seem to be able to find the time to help out, so I’m taking Tuesday off and working straight evening shifts for the rest of the week. And yes, I’m being an ass. Sometimes that feels good.

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Unpacking knitting… Maybe.. Definitely not lace, but I *might* dig out the socks I was working on. We’ll see.

Stuff… One of my biggest fears right now is spending the rest of my life alone. I’m pushing towards my 60th birthday (alright, it’s still 6 months away), and my luck with relationships has been less than stellar. Not much of a talker, not very good at striking up conversations with women, mostly a shy old fart. Don’t even know where to go to meet eligible ladies. Don’t do the bar scene. Don’t like girl seeking boy/boy seeking girl ads. Agnostic, so I don’t do church. KInd of limited opportunities.

Anyway, overall things are better. Better attitude, now that I’ve started making the big decisions. Blues are mostly under control. Still sad, but that’s different than the days of depression I was going through before. Shit happens. You can’t control the flow of life and the best you can do is ride it out and hope it’s all for the best. Right now I don’t think so, but all the friends that know what’s going on tell me it will get better. I guess it couldn’t get worse.

Alone again today. But I have the day off, the weather is going to be nice and I think I’ll head into Portland and enjoy the day. See ya later…

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sort of….

I’d love to say that life is grand and everything is back the way it was, but of course it isn’t and it won’t be.

I’m tired of feeling miserable over something I should have seen coming. I knew Eileen didn’t love me and my love for her doesn’t change anything.

So… I’m moving on and eventually moving out. Not today and not tomorrow and probably not next month, but soon. Finances are the greatest stumbling block right now. $9/hour at something less than a 40 hour week doesn’t leave much to pay rent and still live on. It’s not going to be easy. Either upgrading my income or leaving the RidgeTop. I’ve got a couple applications in at a couple of places and I’m working all the hours my current boss will allow. Save money, look for new opportunities and wait it out.

Needless to say, everything else is on hold. Knitting has been packed up and put away for now. No time and currently no interest. I’m sure that eventually the need to knit will return, but for now I’m done.

I expect that the blog will continue as it’s become my way of working out my feelings and where my life is going, but don’t expect anything better than once a week postings. I’ve got a couple days off and I think I’ll head into the woods for some serious soul searching.

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My relationship with Eileen has had it’s ups and downs in the last 25 years. We’ve gone from lovers, to separated, to finally good friends and housemates.

The last 10 years have been good. Though I realized there was no longer any love for me on her side, I’ve managed to convince myself that since we get along so well, we’d just grow old together.

That is until the middle of June. She met a gentleman whom she sees as nearly her soulmate. We’ve had a long talks about us, her, and her new friend. Everything is pretty much out in the open between us, but not common knowledge to our family and friends. Eileen has been completely honest about her feelings and her need for romance and feeling she’s wanted. Sometimes friends just aren’t enough.

Still, it’s a pretty emotional time for me right now. I’ve discovered that I’ve got a slightly broken heart. Obviously my feelings for Eileen go a bit beyond just being friends, but at the same time I’ve stayed in this relationship with the knowledge the it *could* end at anytime.

I’m losing my best friend and companion. After years of being so close that a lot of folks thought we were married, I now deal with days of not even seeing or talking to her. And the blues come and go depending on the situation.

Neither of us know how this will finally play out. Her friend is in a bad marriage, but afraid of the problems that he’ll have to face if he decides to start divorce proceedings. I’m afraid Eileen’s going be hurt if she continues with a married man. Meanwhile I smile and pretend everything is fine, but also realize that whatever happens, we will probably never be able to go back to where we were a couple of months ago.

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Still here

Still not knitting much

Still fighting the blues

Some days better than others. Today not good.

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I want to acknowledge the concerns and the offers of advise about my current state of mind and offer *my* thanks for all your thoughts.

While I’ve been through some pretty low days in the past couple of months, it’s been no where near as bad as I know folks with severe depression encounter. I’m still able to function, most of my days are pretty good - the past two days have been exceptional - and for the most part the swings are getting further apart and the lows seem to be not so deep.

The past two days have been my weekend and, as I said, have been exceptional. Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be busy with hay hauling for most of the day tomorrow and a 5pm to close shift at the restaurant and open to late afternoon shifts for the rest of the weekend.

I got a little too industrious with the wild-striped sock. I managed about 9 rounds past where I should have started gussets, so it’s tink time for the sock. Actually, it’s going pretty fast.

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Deep Blue Funk getting better. Small adjustments up and down, but mostly up.

Sunday I spent most of three hours between the morning and afternoon sawmill demonstrations, sitting on a bench in front of the mill, working on a fun toe-up sock using the Crazy Toes and Heels techniques. Imagine a pony-tailed old fart, knitting in public in front of steam powered sawmill in one of the brightest sock yarns available. I had a good time…

And I’ve made a bit more progress on the BBS

And don’t let anyone say that large groups of cats don’t get along together. Here’s 6 of our 7 indoor kitties peacefully sharing the living room couch.

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I don’t often have to deal with depression, but when I do it usually takes many days to dig myself out of it again.

I’ve been fighting this deep blue funk since just after my last post. No knitting. Just work and feeling sorry for myself.

I’ve managed to get another *nearly* three day weekend again (4 1/2 hours in the kitchen on Saturday night) and I intend on heading down to Brooks and the Steam-Up again and see if I can work myself out of this.

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